I think everything is stupid

This was news a few weeks ago, but if you’re using this site to keep up on current events you deserve a post here, because you’re fucking stupid.

Anyway, here’s a little summary from the article. I’d like to point out that I was torn between focusing on twittering and the actual girl, Maria Barbu. Since I’m a philanthropist, I chose twittering. Maybe we’ll save some lives when people google “is twittering in the tub stupid?” Part of me thinks maybe I should just allow Darwinism to take it’s course instead…

A teenage girl was electrocuted after dropping her laptop into the bath as she twittered in the tub.

Police said they believed Maria Barbu, 17, had tried to plug in her laptop with wet hands after the battery died during a long session on social networking site Twitter as she took a soak at her home in Brasov, central Romania.

She was found dead by her parents with the laptop lying next to her.

Original article here.

It’s a good thing that crime has completely stopped and the San Diego police have nothing better to do than raid shops for selling bongs. I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know that was illegal.

Let be bring the girl to the right to your attention. San Diego certainly wasn’t thinking about this poor lass. This picture just wouldn’t be as cool if she had to roll a J.

Hopefully next we can start employing police ninjas to take out jaywalkers.

The stores raided were Freak Factory in Mission Beach, 420 Smoke Shop in Ocean Beach, Smoke-n-Stuff in Mission Valley, and Up In Smoke in the College Area. The clerks on duty in the shops received misdemeanor charges and could face up to six months in jail, a $1,000 fine, and forfeiture of paraphernalia items, according to Kristine Lorenzo of the San Diego City Attorney’s Office advisory division.

Thanks to the SF Weekly for pointing out this outrageously stupid event.

As North Korea moves closer and closer to an epic fail at launching a nuclear weapon towards Hawaii (as opposed to just an epic fail of launching a toy rocket over Japan), Kim Jong-il is working harder and harder to prove that North Korea is looking forward to getting nuked. Honestly, I think that we should do him the favor of granting his request. I mean, seriously…who can blame him?

After Japan had the bomb dropped on them - not once, but twice - they proceeded towards an immediate turn-around. Without completely obliterating both Nagasaki and Hiroshima, I’m not entirely sure that Japan would have launched to the “Super Power” status it has today, thanks to the immense profits from a proliferation of sexy high-school girls in sailor outfits, tentacle/demon/alien rape, used-panties vending machines and various other gems of technology and innovation.

North Korea is most likely just bitter about their nefarious South Korean neighbors who, unlike their starving neighbors to the North, have the leisure income necessary to live the luxurious life of dying while playing World of Warcraft.

So I put forward the call to all Americans to ask President Obama and Congress to help the poor North Koreans and grant their request for a nuke up the ass and press the reset button on their society, so they too can help flood the World with scantily dressed imaginary teenagers and various other Japanese confections, instead of just worthless threats and insanity.

Parents of children at a primary school have been banned from taking pictures of their own children at the annual sports day.

So apparently these British fucks think kids are in complete peril 24/7, and taking picture of them at any point in time is a sign they’re going to be violently molested and murdered. People. GET IT TOGETHER! No one wants your crappy kids. Go brush your teeth.

Original article

Imagine you bought tickets to an MLB baseball game, but when you got to the stadium, the players decided to take the day off and hit the strip clubs.  What would happen?  That’s right: nothing.  You’d still go in the stadium, still buy your $12 hot dog and your $16 beer, and you’d still get sloshed while your friends place bets on who can hawk the biggest loogie onto the field.

When you go to watch a baseball game, does it matter who wins the game?  Of course not: there are 162 fucking games in the season.  If your team loses a game, that’s okay - they have 161 games to make it up.  If your team loses 82 games in a year (an entire NBA season), they may still make the playoffs.  Last season the Dodgers racked up 78 losses (48% of their games) and clinched their division.  Way to go, guys!  Be proud, Los Angeles.

So how is it that fans go to the games day in and day out just to watch one essentially meaningless game after another?  The answer is that they just don’t give a damn who wins.  People don’t go to baseball games to watch baseball.  They go to hang out, talk to their friends, gossip about which players are on horse tranquilizers this week, and drink away the pressures of the workday, the family, the SEC, or their mothers-in-law.

So stop pretending this is a real sport, guys.  MLB has turned into the new WWE - the fans are drunk, the players are all on steroids, and no one cares who wins.

Parenting isn’t what is used to be. Slapping, spanking and yanking of the arm are not very PC nowadays. The disciplinary reins have been dropped and now, children are reining in the hell that I call my life. “Go ahead Chase, do whatever you want.” You’ll hear a parent encourage their little cyclone. “Who would care that you act like a complete banshee? Surely, not the brooding fellow over there staring angrily at us, typing away on his computer. Because everyone loves children.” With that starter’s pistol of positive reinforcement firing, Jordan, Baxter and/or Dylan, run a muck, afoul and afoot; knocking, picking and screaming their way across my last good nerve. Rolling of the eyes and loud sighs have little effect on the unaware. Pause only happens when the precious occasionally jams something in its food-stained little face. Since there is no such thing as karma, they’ll never choke on it. Good job, buddy. Have another ice-cream, anything to temporarily fill weekend dad’s hollow attempts of parenting. Overjoyed, he looks on with pride and obliviousness.

Here’s a game for everyone. It’s called, “Whom Do I Slap?” Give ten people a choice between Coke or Pepsi. You don’t even have to have the actual soft drinks, just give them this choice. And of these ten people, a reasonable margin will select Pepsi. Another margin will select Coke. And then they’re will be one or two people who will select Dr. Pepper. And those are the people you need to slap. And slap them hard, for about an hour or so. Even after your hand starts getting tired and sore, keep going. Because these people need you to straight them out, and have asked you to do so by deliberating being stupid in your presence.

It goes against the basic fundamental concept of the term “choice”, which is “Of these options given to you, select one.”  Either/or. It’s fiendishly simple. Choose, numbskull. People don’t do this with directions. When they’re coming to a fork in the road that give them an option of left or right, do these fucknuts really try to  go straight? Why aren’t there more auto fatalities for these people? Or at least make it a DMV question. “Which way do you go? Left or Right?” And if they select Straight, they get no driver’s license and everyone in the DMV gets five minutes at slapping them repeatedly. Wouldn’t that make going to the DMV far more satisfying?

It’s insulting to expect a third choice of your host in selecting something that is not being offered. “Would you like to have beer or wine?” “I’ll drink whiskey.” “Fine go get yourself, you cocksucker.” Slap. If you don’t LIKE your choices, then select NEITHER. Nil is *always* a choice, but EVERYTHING isn’t. Doesn’t work like that. Instead, we think we’re being cute by going outside of the rules. And for that….slap.

I think it might be an American thing, expecting to have more choices than are offered to you. This may be why the rest of world thinks we need a slap. Good thing we have nuclear weapons. But it doesn’t mean we don’t deserve it. Repeatedly. We don’t get to have everything. Not everything is on the menu. You are not being clever by offering something that is not a choice, you are requesting to be the recipient of the Slap Game.

Then again, if that’s what you want, be my guest. That’s always your choice.

Hermit crabs are the most useless pet around. Worse than fish. At least with a fish tank you can have all sorts of cool looking coral, and watch the fish interact with each other.

Ever tried to play a game of fetch with a hermit crab? Maybe get it to chase some string? Nope, it won’t do it. You know what it will do? Crawl back into its fucking shell whenever you get within 30 feet of its tank.

Thinking about getting a new pet? Here’s a hint: GET ANYTHING ELSE.

Let’s first point out that, while alcohol is often complicit in the creation of new life, it has never been accused it of making people live longer. Alcohol is a toxin, a really fun toxin, but still the kind of toxin that’s bad for you. It forces flimsy decisions, destroys your liver, eats away your brain and kills kids with cars. Yet, despite all this, people across cultures offer up sloppy cheers to, “Good health” with glasses, bottles, plastic cups and steins full of the shit (god steins are cool. I’d go buy one right now if I was sober enough). This seems as irrational as cheersing to peace with a bunch of sticks of C4. Now, I am not an advocate of the dry lifestyle, I’m just saying let’s not ask too much of the booze. We can ask it for courage, entertainment, temporary attractiveness, rides down hills in shopping carts, and bonding with every glass clink, but physical preservation is outside its realm of expertise. Cheersing to health is asinine, instead cheers to “Increased odds of sex” or “Honesty” or  “Reconnecting with your father in his new trailer after years of not seeing each other because of the bad divorce.” That’s all I’m asking.

Every few months, some asshat Linux fanboy tries to convince humanity that Linux is actually a viable alternative to Windows or Mac OS.  It isn’t.  Shut up about it.  Go back to your basement, put on your penguin t-shirt, and play some D&D with your other Linux troll friends, because the rest of us are not converting to your Nike-wearing, punch-drinking religion anytime soon.  Just because your article can get Diggs from a few like-minded douche fanboys doesn’t mean it has any basis in fact.

And ZDNet, if you’re going to try to encourage the “slow” kids by letting them publish this gibberish, do it somewhere where the rest of us don’t have to see it.