There is no way I can wait 10 minutes to send this out
There’s nothing like being out at a bar, having a good time with your friends, and banging out a quick email to your boss. To me, it’s about as satisfying as handjob porn. I can’t stand all these ridiculous idiots that seem to be everywhere constantly huddled over their Blackberries pecking away at their little fucking keyboards sending out garbage that obviously came from their phone.
If you can’t remember ever seeing this, well then, it might be you. Lets conduct a simple test to figure it out. I’ll paint a picture for you. See if this jogs the memory at all, pal.
You’re hammered. You have just ordered another beer/shot/smirnoff ice. Suddenly you realize you didn’t submit your daily status report. Panic sets in, but wait! You whip out your trusty Blackberry. The light of the spinning disco ball reflects off the the shiny metal backing and catches your eye as you spin the device into typing position. You hunch over. Mashing your sloppy fingers against the tactile keyboard, your rancid breath slightly fogs the screen. Just a few minutes later, a crisis has been averted. But wait, look, some work email to read. You feel a sense of duty, and importance. Three hours later, you’re leaving the bar, drunk and alone. Another night of not getting laid! Nice work champ.
Ring any bells? If so, you’re the fucking douche I’m ranting about.
My other personal favorite brand of these emails are the one liners sent out as a reply-all that clearly came from the Blackberry. You know the kind - when someone thinks they’re staying something really motivating or helpful, such as “nice work” - and it’s 100% obvious the email was sent out in less than 14 seconds, and the user on the other end is probably dying to get back to twittering in the bathtub. Thanks a lot, you useless fucking dick bag. I’m glad I put in weeks or MONTHS worth of work into Project X and you were kind enough to bless me with a < 4 word response that I could have typed with my fucking toes. Jackass.
It was slightly better when all you could do was text your ex that you wanted to "h00k up i mis u so much blaaahhhh..." Back in the days of the iTap and T9 or whatever the fuck it was when you had to spent 10 minutes composing a simple text message getting your email sent to your phone was as absurd as having a live lobster give you a Prince Albert. If you don’t know what that is, check it out. I’ll wait here.
I’m not even sure why anyone would get on this shit in the first place. I have outright refused to carry one my entire life, and it hasn’t negatively affected me once, ever. Unless you’re in a real situation where up to the minute email matters, here’s my advice: turn it down. Embrace your social life. Because you’re a fucking dick otherwise.
