I think everything is stupid

Stupid is as stupid does.

• You just smack the lip, and WHOOPACK
• If you’re a sin ridden, freedom hating Chinaman
• Worries about the effect on her unborn child
• Fox News relocates Egypt to Iraq
• His cat was downloading child pornography on his computer
• Fight swine flu by being less gay.  Or with KY Jelly
• We need the food because it’s food and stuff

I just went out to lunch at a Vietnamese restaurant, where I ordered the Beef Noodle Soup (Pho). I put in a ton of Sriracha into my delicious hot soup, and attempted to enjoy. About 20 minutes in, my forehead started to hurt. Every time I’d try to eat more soup, it would sting.

I realized when I got back to my car that now I had a giant burn mark across my forehead. The evaporating soup must have brought the Sriracha directly into my skin. I look like I fell asleep on a fucking stove.

I am stupid.

Another brilliant example of American ingenuity: the bumper sticker. According to Wikipedia, moronic Americans have been sticking these self-serving billboards of ridicule and idiotic idealisms since just before World War II.

Since the Sheep of this great country put bumper stickers in order to make a “statement” about their personal beliefs or lives, I’ll go ahead and give them some helpful feedback… I’d love to respond to all the bumper stickers I’ve ever seen, but due to time-constraints, I’ll just pull a small sample:

• Nobody fucking cares where your kid is an honor student at. According to the most recent US Census data, “27 percent of adults age 25 and over had a college degree” - an all-time high. You must be so fucking proud…
• The C-O-E-X-I-S-T message you’re exuding seems to have done its job here. Why don’t you take that somewhere like Iran or North Korea and see how effective it is there?
• “What would Scooby-Do?” He’d strangle you with a fucking ascot.
• If “mean people suck”, then… eh, Fuck You…
• “Your village called, they’re missing their idiot” - Your dad called, he’s looking for that teaspoon of sperm he wasted.
• “I got kicked out of Cub Scouts for eating a Brownie” - Except that you failed to mention that you’re 35, you fucking pedophile.
• “Jesus loves you - Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole” - You might want to take a look in the mirror, asshole.
• The “Hang Up and Drive”-type stickers are definitely the best. I see, as if talking on the cell phone isn’t bad enough, you want all drivers - on the phone and off - to take the time to read tiny print off the back of your fucking car from 6 feet away. Thanks for improving the safety of our roads, jackass.

(Anyone with a bumper sticker that requires personal correspondence, please contact us here at ITEIS.)

While I’m on the topic, mangling your car at all is just plain-fucking stupid. Putting the M3 logo on your Mercedes Kompressor, mutilating the Toyota logo to say “Toy”, painting your car all black using wall paint, etc. Congratulations for your stupidity, especially you drivers of brand-new cars. Nothing feels better than buying $20,000 vehicle - that you’ll be paying off until it’s worth $2,000 - and helping along the depreciation by placing an irremovable $4 sticker on it.

I love funny t-shirts.  They’re really swell.  Whether they’re witty, ironic, or wacky, I love any shirt that can give me a chuckle.  Sasquatch wears one that says “I listen to bands that don’t even exist yet” - great stuff.

But every once in a while, I see some aged, white tourist pud wearing an “Old Guys Rule” t-shirt.  WTF?  I know it’s supposed to be ironic, but guess what, IT FUCKING ISN’T.  Old guys DO rule, and they always have.  Ever since this miserable species sprouted legs, old guys have ruled with an iron fist, taking all the treasure and women that they could drag into their caves.  Look at baboons and gorillas - even in the pre-evolved form of human societies the old guys rule.  The dictators, prime ministers, presidents, sheiks, popes, inquisitors, ayatollahs, CEOs, bankers, and field overseers of the world have always been old guys, and they always will be.

So there’s nothing ironic about wearing a shirt around reminding the young and penis-challenged that YOU are the boss and they should bring you a sandwich or a few bushels of tobacco just for the privilege of being in your presence.

Tell you what, I’m going to start a new line of t-shirts that say “Old White Guys Rule.”  We’ll see how ironic everyone thinks that is.

Here’s a little background, if you care. A dental dam is a rectangular piece of latex, typically used in dentistry, and occasionally by complete sociopaths. In the former, it’s a hygenic way of preventing bacterial infection during oral surgery. In the latter, it’s a creepy way of scaring the living shit out of the poor girl spread eagled in the back of your Pontiac Trans Am.

Here’s a few facts:

• Pulling out one of these fuckers on a girl will be one of the most horrifying experiences in her entire life
• Dental dams are proven to reduce the chance of contracting STDs because you’ll never get laid again.
• This will not make your rimming session any better; it’s still an asshole, and so are you.

If for some bizarre reason you don’t have one of these things laying around, you can MacGyver one out of a condom in just under a minute, providing you keep condoms and scissors laying next to each other. No scissors? Any blade will do. Good luck keeping the girl around long enough to use it after you fashion one of these things out of a 3 foot machete, you fucking prick.

The world’s douchiness never fails to surprise and depress me.

• This is America, and we speak American
• DarkCopy.com is for anyone who enjoys the simplicity of a typewriter
• It is for that reason that he deserves to be stoned to death
• I’m too stupid to upload my own Twitter avatar
• Stupid, but awesome
• I steal skateboards from little girls.  At gunpoint.
• 86 year-old androgyn steals wrinkle cream
• No, the bird is not going to be your witness, sir.