I think everything is stupid

You can read the article on the NY Post about this dumb bitch suing E-Trade because she thinks she has single name recognition.

And…. here’s a picture of her nipple.

Before you read this, look around. For each person you see, 2 people made at least 1 horrible mistake.

Like many primates before them, humans reproduce not by laying eggs and leaving them to hatch the following spring, but instead carry the offspring for a 9 month gestation period (see also baboon and killer whale). This is contrary to the Platypus and the Tyrannosaurus Rex, which laid eggs.

Like the mighty blowfish, the female will quickly grow to several times her normal size, and also become emotionally unstable. Unless you’ve been breeding with a true champion, you’re going to have to find yourself someone else to do the yard work for about half a year. She’ll then quickly transform into a miserable cunt that you’ll want to throw into a woodchipper. Due to Federal Law it’s unlikely that you’ll take this route.

What seems like an entire lifetime, your now feral wife is going to crap out a screaming, hairless, bloody mess of a child that you’ll have to pay for every damn day for the next twenty some odd years. Remember when you were younger, and paying for a date sucked? The rest of your life is going to be like that.

In the best case scenario, the child is completely self sufficient by 6 months of age, hunting and/or trapping it’s own food. It will have learned the ways of the Native American, slaughtering buffalo and using every last piece, living off the land as a mancub.

Good luck with that.

I just went out to lunch at a Vietnamese restaurant, where I ordered the Beef Noodle Soup (Pho). I put in a ton of Sriracha into my delicious hot soup, and attempted to enjoy. About 20 minutes in, my forehead started to hurt. Every time I’d try to eat more soup, it would sting.

I realized when I got back to my car that now I had a giant burn mark across my forehead. The evaporating soup must have brought the Sriracha directly into my skin. I look like I fell asleep on a fucking stove.

I am stupid.

Here’s a little background, if you care. A dental dam is a rectangular piece of latex, typically used in dentistry, and occasionally by complete sociopaths. In the former, it’s a hygenic way of preventing bacterial infection during oral surgery. In the latter, it’s a creepy way of scaring the living shit out of the poor girl spread eagled in the back of your Pontiac Trans Am.

Here’s a few facts:

• Pulling out one of these fuckers on a girl will be one of the most horrifying experiences in her entire life
• Dental dams are proven to reduce the chance of contracting STDs because you’ll never get laid again.
• This will not make your rimming session any better; it’s still an asshole, and so are you.

If for some bizarre reason you don’t have one of these things laying around, you can MacGyver one out of a condom in just under a minute, providing you keep condoms and scissors laying next to each other. No scissors? Any blade will do. Good luck keeping the girl around long enough to use it after you fashion one of these things out of a 3 foot machete, you fucking prick.

I have to be totally honest, this title might be slightly inaccurate. I didn’t realize it at first, but there’s a booming market for Indian farmhand voyeur porn. When life gives you lemons, film your daughter plowing a field with her funbags out.

PATNA, India (Reuters) - Farmers in an eastern Indian state have asked their unmarried daughters to plow parched fields naked in a bid to embarrass the weather gods to bring some badly needed monsoon rain, officials said on Thursday.

Witnesses said the naked girls in Bihar state plowed the fields and chanted ancient hymns after sunset to invoke the gods. They said elderly village women helped the girls drag the plows.

“They (villagers) believe their acts would get the weather gods badly embarrassed, who in turn would ensure bumper crops by sending rains,” Upendra Kumar, a village council official, said from Bihar’s remote Banke Bazaar town.

“This is the most trusted social custom in the area and the villagers have vowed to continue this practice until it rains very heavily.”

India this year suffered its worst start to the vital monsoon rains in eight decades, causing drought in some states.

Original Reuters article.

There’s nothing like being out at a bar, having a good time with your friends, and banging out a quick email to your boss. To me, it’s about as satisfying as handjob porn. I can’t stand all these ridiculous idiots that seem to be everywhere constantly huddled over their Blackberries pecking away at their little fucking keyboards sending out garbage that obviously came from their phone.

If you can’t remember ever seeing this, well then, it might be you. Lets conduct a simple test to figure it out. I’ll paint a picture for you. See if this jogs the memory at all, pal.

You’re hammered. You have just ordered another beer/shot/smirnoff ice. Suddenly you realize you didn’t submit your daily status report. Panic sets in, but wait! You whip out your trusty Blackberry. The light of the spinning disco ball reflects off the the shiny metal backing and catches your eye as you spin the device into typing position. You hunch over. Mashing your sloppy fingers against the tactile keyboard, your rancid breath slightly fogs the screen. Just a few minutes later, a crisis has been averted. But wait, look, some work email to read. You feel a sense of duty, and importance. Three hours later, you’re leaving the bar, drunk and alone. Another night of not getting laid! Nice work champ.

Ring any bells? If so, you’re the fucking douche I’m ranting about.

My other personal favorite brand of these emails are the one liners sent out as a reply-all that clearly came from the Blackberry. You know the kind - when someone thinks they’re staying something really motivating or helpful, such as “nice work” - and it’s 100% obvious the email was sent out in less than 14 seconds, and the user on the other end is probably dying to get back to twittering in the bathtub. Thanks a lot, you useless fucking dick bag. I’m glad I put in weeks or MONTHS worth of work into Project X and you were kind enough to bless me with a < 4 word response that I could have typed with my fucking toes. Jackass.

It was slightly better when all you could do was text your ex that you wanted to "h00k up i mis u so much blaaahhhh..." Back in the days of the iTap and T9 or whatever the fuck it was when you had to spent 10 minutes composing a simple text message getting your email sent to your phone was as absurd as having a live lobster give you a Prince Albert. If you don’t know what that is, check it out. I’ll wait here.

I’m not even sure why anyone would get on this shit in the first place. I have outright refused to carry one my entire life, and it hasn’t negatively affected me once, ever. Unless you’re in a real situation where up to the minute email matters, here’s my advice: turn it down. Embrace your social life. Because you’re a fucking dick otherwise.

It’s a good thing we (the US) went to the Moon 30 years ago, because in a dazzling display of cock measurement, we’re about to be in a mad rush to do it again.

We find ourselves back in the beginning of a gripping battle with the Russians to go back into space and go.. wait for it… back to the Moon. Then Mars.

The United States government is about to bleed a ton of cash getting us to Mars. Granted, there’s a few other countries that say they’re going to chip in, but I guarantee the US picks up most of the tab. China will grab the tip, and in typical form the Russians will rape the waitress.

According to Wikipedia, the ultimate tome of knowledge, the Apollo 11 moon landing cost 20-25 billion dollars. It’s a good thing we have a huge surplus of cash.

I think the web 2.0 business model is hilarious. Start a company, gain traffic, sell to some idiot for a ludicrous amount of cash.

Despite this recession I keep hearing about, Global Gaming Factory X seems to have no trouble coming up with 7+ million to buy a site that’s going to instantly lose 99% of it’s traffic. Good for them. This is clearly a group that should have consulted with, I don’t know, anyone who has ever downloaded music illegally. The Pirate Bay is massive not because it offers some unique experience, but because it has a huge collection of torrents, which can be used to download movies, music, and software. One of the first moves of GGFX will be to stop hosting these torrents.

Not surprising at all, The Register is reporting on a large number of account deletion requests on the massive torrent site. Pirates are a fickle bunch.

Oh well. Pirate Bay, at least you’re in good company. You’ll soon be joined by Twitter and Facebook, and YouTube’s been at the party since 6PM… lame.

This was news a few weeks ago, but if you’re using this site to keep up on current events you deserve a post here, because you’re fucking stupid.

Anyway, here’s a little summary from the article. I’d like to point out that I was torn between focusing on twittering and the actual girl, Maria Barbu. Since I’m a philanthropist, I chose twittering. Maybe we’ll save some lives when people google “is twittering in the tub stupid?” Part of me thinks maybe I should just allow Darwinism to take it’s course instead…

A teenage girl was electrocuted after dropping her laptop into the bath as she twittered in the tub.

Police said they believed Maria Barbu, 17, had tried to plug in her laptop with wet hands after the battery died during a long session on social networking site Twitter as she took a soak at her home in Brasov, central Romania.

She was found dead by her parents with the laptop lying next to her.

Original article here.

It’s a good thing that crime has completely stopped and the San Diego police have nothing better to do than raid shops for selling bongs. I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know that was illegal.

Let be bring the girl to the right to your attention. San Diego certainly wasn’t thinking about this poor lass. This picture just wouldn’t be as cool if she had to roll a J.

Hopefully next we can start employing police ninjas to take out jaywalkers.

The stores raided were Freak Factory in Mission Beach, 420 Smoke Shop in Ocean Beach, Smoke-n-Stuff in Mission Valley, and Up In Smoke in the College Area. The clerks on duty in the shops received misdemeanor charges and could face up to six months in jail, a $1,000 fine, and forfeiture of paraphernalia items, according to Kristine Lorenzo of the San Diego City Attorney’s Office advisory division.

Thanks to the SF Weekly for pointing out this outrageously stupid event.