I think everything is stupid

I’m with Stupid.

• The gender verification test is an extremely complex procedure
• Hellen Keller: “asfar as I know she looks like an older person on google”
• Stole a painting of the Virgin Mary to finance an abortion for a teen he was accused of raping
• Arrested after leaving two small children in his vehicle while he was in a strip club
• Snailmailr: sometimes you just need to send a letter and it shouldn’t be that hard!
• Our mission is simple.  To certify psychics and insure the customer that they are getting services from authentic, reliable psychics.
• New York Magazine on How to update your Facebook status like a colossal douchebag

$2/day and you can live like this

Every once in a while you’ll hear some harpie on the news going on about how some poor souls in some faraway Third-World country only earn $100 a month.  We’re supposed to feel sorry for these people, because poor people here in the US make a whopping $1,500 so we’re so much better off.

And oh, aren’t the US corporations so evil!  They make so much money by making their sneakers in Bangladesh or Manila or Bangkok, so you can buy them for $20 here.  They pay these poor sods $50 per month to glue the soles of your shoes together, so you can wear them to your $2,000 per month job.  Boy, they sure have it rough!

Yeah, well that’s bullshit.  It doesn’t make sense to compare US dollars to other currencies like this because in foreign countries you can buy so much more with the same amount of money.  If the pundits had some basic math skills and a rudimentary understanding of the world, they’d realize that earning $100/month in some countries is pretty damn good.  If you can buy a meal for 25 cents, $100 will stretch pretty damn far.  You can get a beer for 50 cents, hookers and coke for $10, and for $500/month you can take a treasure bath every night.  In the Philippines if you make $1,000 a month you can afford a personal chef, a chauffeur, and someone to wipe your pasty, decadent ass.  I’d make shoes until the cows came home if it meant I could live like that.

So news hags, please stop trying to tap into Americans’ need to feel 1) better off than everyone else and 2) guilty about being better off than everyone else.  Poor people in the US often have a worse standard of living than people making $500/mo in the Philippines - it turns out those big, evil US corporations actually pay decent wages most of the time even if — in absolute dollars — it’s less than US wages.

So shut up, and by the way, you’re stupid.

Stupid is as stupid does.

• You just smack the lip, and WHOOPACK
• If you’re a sin ridden, freedom hating Chinaman
• Worries about the effect on her unborn child
• Fox News relocates Egypt to Iraq
• His cat was downloading child pornography on his computer
• Fight swine flu by being less gay.  Or with KY Jelly
• We need the food because it’s food and stuff

Shouldn't you be out oppressing a people or something? Oh, and way to support Livestrong with the bracelet - maybe they'll save one of your balls after you get cancer, you cigar-sucking choad.

I love funny t-shirts.  They’re really swell.  Whether they’re witty, ironic, or wacky, I love any shirt that can give me a chuckle.  Sasquatch wears one that says “I listen to bands that don’t even exist yet” - great stuff.

But every once in a while, I see some aged, white tourist pud wearing an “Old Guys Rule” t-shirt.  WTF?  I know it’s supposed to be ironic, but guess what, IT FUCKING ISN’T.  Old guys DO rule, and they always have.  Ever since this miserable species sprouted legs, old guys have ruled with an iron fist, taking all the treasure and women that they could drag into their caves.  Look at baboons and gorillas - even in the pre-evolved form of human societies the old guys rule.  The dictators, prime ministers, presidents, sheiks, popes, inquisitors, ayatollahs, CEOs, bankers, and field overseers of the world have always been old guys, and they always will be.

So there’s nothing ironic about wearing a shirt around reminding the young and penis-challenged that YOU are the boss and they should bring you a sandwich or a few bushels of tobacco just for the privilege of being in your presence.

Tell you what, I’m going to start a new line of t-shirts that say “Old White Guys Rule.”  We’ll see how ironic everyone thinks that is.

The world’s douchiness never fails to surprise and depress me.

• This is America, and we speak American
• DarkCopy.com is for anyone who enjoys the simplicity of a typewriter
• It is for that reason that he deserves to be stoned to death
• I’m too stupid to upload my own Twitter avatar
• Stupid, but awesome
• I steal skateboards from little girls.  At gunpoint.
• 86 year-old androgyn steals wrinkle cream
• No, the bird is not going to be your witness, sir.

I feel stupider just having looked at these.

• “helps you tweet all of that great food you eat”
• “When engorged, this “pseudopenis,” which doubles as the birth canal, becomes so hard it can crush babies to death during exit.”
• “LAZY KID MAKES $100/HR CASH MONEY”
• Hats: you’re doing it wrong, asshole
• I have a Deram
• Alex would be better off simply accepting my teachings without resistance
• Vereen was…ordered to stay away from the Lazy B Stables and declared a sex offender.
• “I don’t use the word journalism.  I don’t use the word media. I don’t use the word news. I don’t think that those words mean anything anymore…”

We here at ITEIS have decided to share some of the stupidest things we see on the ‘net each week, and with the average intelligence of humanity, that’s a huge, steaming pile of stupid for you to consume each time.  We may not post this every single week, but hey, if you check back weekly just to see our stupid links, you’re stupid.

What can you draw in 140 strokes?  Who cares?  Go do something useful.

Because it’s not really a magazine without the page-turning sound

How to make a book completely impossible to read

Way to go, kid: One Starbucks down, just 8 million to go

Taxpayers rejoice! Your dollars are paying for flesh-eating robots

Kindle fail: Big Brother watches you masturbate and steals your books

"I want to give kids more maps, and search engine algorithms should be transparent."

Just when you thought the douchebaggery at TechCrunch couldn’t get any worse, they post something that pushes the idiocy envelope.  Their latest post on The Time Has Come To Regulate Search Engine Marketing And SEO makes all kinds of no sense.  The primary assertion is:

(Search engines) that use rule-based algorithms to determine result sets must publicly disclose their methodologies. That is the means by which all businesses can compete freely in the organic and paid search marketplaces.

First, anyone without one’s head up one’s ass would realize that this would kill the search engine industry overnight.  If the algorithms were transparent, search engines would be owned (or pwned, if you prefer) by spammers and SEO shops before you can even say “Arrington is hiding behind a ghost writer.”  Suddenly the search results you see on Google, Yahoo and Bing would be given to you directly to whichever company spent the most time/money to get their link at the top, and odds are they wouldn’t be relevant - they’d be for viagra, mesothelioma, or naked pictures of Hayden Panettiere.  One out of those three I would actually like, and it’s not the naked pictures.

TC claims the article is written by a “well known executive at one of the largest sites on the Internet” who wants to be anonymous “because of the backlash he would receive from the SEO industry and possibly Google itself.”  Smart move from one of the flat-out dumbest authors I’ve seen on teh Intarwebs, at least since this guy who last week called Google a Ponzi scheme.  Why can’t Darwin do something to get rid of these guys?

Loved to laugh. Especially at fart jokes.

When you’re giving a eulogy, there are certain statements you can leave out because they are givens.  One of these is “he loved to laugh.”  Just skip this one from now on, okay?    Is there anyone out there who hates to laugh?  Has anyone ever said “sometime he enjoyed laughing, but sometimes laughing pissed him off.”  No.  Everyone enjoys laughing, so shut up.  If you want to say it, you might as well say something like:

• He needed food to live
• He enjoyed breathing
• What really made him tick was his heart
• Until last Tuesday, he was much more alive than he is now
• There is nothing he enjoyed more than not being dead

So enough with the cliches already.  Put a little thought into it and come up with something sensible to say.  I’m looking at you, Brooke Shields.

The steroid problem is out of control.

Imagine you bought tickets to an MLB baseball game, but when you got to the stadium, the players decided to take the day off and hit the strip clubs.  What would happen?  That’s right: nothing.  You’d still go in the stadium, still buy your $12 hot dog and your $16 beer, and you’d still get sloshed while your friends place bets on who can hawk the biggest loogie onto the field.

When you go to watch a baseball game, does it matter who wins the game?  Of course not: there are 162 fucking games in the season.  If your team loses a game, that’s okay - they have 161 games to make it up.  If your team loses 82 games in a year (an entire NBA season), they may still make the playoffs.  Last season the Dodgers racked up 78 losses (48% of their games) and clinched their division.  Way to go, guys!  Be proud, Los Angeles.

So how is it that fans go to the games day in and day out just to watch one essentially meaningless game after another?  The answer is that they just don’t give a damn who wins.  People don’t go to baseball games to watch baseball.  They go to hang out, talk to their friends, gossip about which players are on horse tranquilizers this week, and drink away the pressures of the workday, the family, the SEC, or their mothers-in-law.

So stop pretending this is a real sport, guys.  MLB has turned into the new WWE - the fans are drunk, the players are all on steroids, and no one cares who wins.

If these tranquilizers are good enough for a horse, they're good enough for me

Is that Barry Bonds or Serena Williams?