I think everything is stupid

Let’s first point out that, while alcohol is often complicit in the creation of new life, it has never been accused it of making people live longer. Alcohol is a toxin, a really fun toxin, but still the kind of toxin that’s bad for you. It forces flimsy decisions, destroys your liver, eats away your brain and kills kids with cars. Yet, despite all this, people across cultures offer up sloppy cheers to, “Good health” with glasses, bottles, plastic cups and steins full of the shit (god steins are cool. I’d go buy one right now if I was sober enough). This seems as irrational as cheersing to peace with a bunch of sticks of C4. Now, I am not an advocate of the dry lifestyle, I’m just saying let’s not ask too much of the booze. We can ask it for courage, entertainment, temporary attractiveness, rides down hills in shopping carts, and bonding with every glass clink, but physical preservation is outside its realm of expertise. Cheersing to health is asinine, instead cheers to “Increased odds of sex” or “Honesty” or  “Reconnecting with your father in his new trailer after years of not seeing each other because of the bad divorce.” That’s all I’m asking.

Cheers to being fat, guys!

Unless you’re running for a disease or atrocity that isn’t debilitating then you’re just showing off in front of all the sickies. You smug assholes who make matching t-shirts for the event and gather around Jane’s wheelchair to pray for her multiple sclerosis to go away, are just as quick to leave her in the dust as soon as the gun sounds. Whoever thought it would be a good idea to do 5Ks in front of people who will never be able to run again in their lives deserves a spinal chord injury. It would have been just as easy to create an event inclusive to those whose bodies make them best suited for stationary pursuits:  “Poetry for the Cure” or like, fucking, “Coloring Contest for the Cure.” Or better yet, how about “CURE for the Cure?” Running can be the solution to a lot of things, cancer is not one of them. Instead of huffing and sweating for a cheap medal and a shitty band at the end (we all know what that money really goes to), how about we all put our heads down and start making potions out of household items until we come up with some shit that works?