And…. here’s a picture of her nipple.

Before you read this, look around. For each person you see, 2 people made at least 1 horrible mistake.

Like many primates before them, humans reproduce not by laying eggs and leaving them to hatch the following spring, but instead carry the offspring for a 9 month gestation period (see also baboon and killer whale). This is contrary to the Platypus and the Tyrannosaurus Rex, which laid eggs.

Like the mighty blowfish, the female will quickly grow to several times her normal size, and also become emotionally unstable. Unless you’ve been breeding with a true champion, you’re going to have to find yourself someone else to do the yard work for about half a year. She’ll then quickly transform into a miserable cunt that you’ll want to throw into a woodchipper. Due to Federal Law it’s unlikely that you’ll take this route.

What seems like an entire lifetime, your now feral wife is going to crap out a screaming, hairless, bloody mess of a child that you’ll have to pay for every damn day for the next twenty some odd years. Remember when you were younger, and paying for a date sucked? The rest of your life is going to be like that.

In the best case scenario, the child is completely self sufficient by 6 months of age, hunting and/or trapping it’s own food. It will have learned the ways of the Native American, slaughtering buffalo and using every last piece, living off the land as a mancub.

Good luck with that.

• The gender verification test is an extremely complex procedure
• Hellen Keller: “asfar as I know she looks like an older person on google”
• Stole a painting of the Virgin Mary to finance an abortion for a teen he was accused of raping
• Arrested after leaving two small children in his vehicle while he was in a strip club
• Snailmailr: sometimes you just need to send a letter and it shouldn’t be that hard!
• Our mission is simple.  To certify psychics and insure the customer that they are getting services from authentic, reliable psychics.
• New York Magazine on How to update your Facebook status like a colossal douchebag

$2/day and you can live like this

Every once in a while you’ll hear some harpie on the news going on about how some poor souls in some faraway Third-World country only earn $100 a month.  We’re supposed to feel sorry for these people, because poor people here in the US make a whopping $1,500 so we’re so much better off.

And oh, aren’t the US corporations so evil!  They make so much money by making their sneakers in Bangladesh or Manila or Bangkok, so you can buy them for $20 here.  They pay these poor sods $50 per month to glue the soles of your shoes together, so you can wear them to your $2,000 per month job.  Boy, they sure have it rough!

Yeah, well that’s bullshit.  It doesn’t make sense to compare US dollars to other currencies like this because in foreign countries you can buy so much more with the same amount of money.  If the pundits had some basic math skills and a rudimentary understanding of the world, they’d realize that earning $100/month in some countries is pretty damn good.  If you can buy a meal for 25 cents, $100 will stretch pretty damn far.  You can get a beer for 50 cents, hookers and coke for $10, and for $500/month you can take a treasure bath every night.  In the Philippines if you make $1,000 a month you can afford a personal chef, a chauffeur, and someone to wipe your pasty, decadent ass.  I’d make shoes until the cows came home if it meant I could live like that.

So news hags, please stop trying to tap into Americans’ need to feel 1) better off than everyone else and 2) guilty about being better off than everyone else.  Poor people in the US often have a worse standard of living than people making $500/mo in the Philippines - it turns out those big, evil US corporations actually pay decent wages most of the time even if — in absolute dollars — it’s less than US wages.

So shut up, and by the way, you’re stupid.

• You just smack the lip, and WHOOPACK
• If you’re a sin ridden, freedom hating Chinaman
• Worries about the effect on her unborn child
• Fox News relocates Egypt to Iraq
• His cat was downloading child pornography on his computer
• Fight swine flu by being less gay.  Or with KY Jelly
• We need the food because it’s food and stuff

Soon to evaporate directly into my face

I just went out to lunch at a Vietnamese restaurant, where I ordered the Beef Noodle Soup (Pho). I put in a ton of Sriracha into my delicious hot soup, and attempted to enjoy. About 20 minutes in, my forehead started to hurt. Every time I’d try to eat more soup, it would sting.

I realized when I got back to my car that now I had a giant burn mark across my forehead. The evaporating soup must have brought the Sriracha directly into my skin. I look like I fell asleep on a fucking stove.

I am stupid.

I actually died a little inside when I saw the pig he lied for...

Another brilliant example of American ingenuity: the bumper sticker. According to Wikipedia, moronic Americans have been sticking these self-serving billboards of ridicule and idiotic idealisms since just before World War II.

Since the Sheep of this great country put bumper stickers in order to make a “statement” about their personal beliefs or lives, I’ll go ahead and give them some helpful feedback… I’d love to respond to all the bumper stickers I’ve ever seen, but due to time-constraints, I’ll just pull a small sample:

• Nobody fucking cares where your kid is an honor student at. According to the most recent US Census data, “27 percent of adults age 25 and over had a college degree” - an all-time high. You must be so fucking proud…
• The C-O-E-X-I-S-T message you’re exuding seems to have done its job here. Why don’t you take that somewhere like Iran or North Korea and see how effective it is there?
• “What would Scooby-Do?” He’d strangle you with a fucking ascot.
• If “mean people suck”, then… eh, Fuck You…
• “Your village called, they’re missing their idiot” - Your dad called, he’s looking for that teaspoon of sperm he wasted.
• “I got kicked out of Cub Scouts for eating a Brownie” - Except that you failed to mention that you’re 35, you fucking pedophile.
• “Jesus loves you - Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole” - You might want to take a look in the mirror, asshole.
• The “Hang Up and Drive”-type stickers are definitely the best. I see, as if talking on the cell phone isn’t bad enough, you want all drivers - on the phone and off - to take the time to read tiny print off the back of your fucking car from 6 feet away. Thanks for improving the safety of our roads, jackass.

(Anyone with a bumper sticker that requires personal correspondence, please contact us here at ITEIS.)

We here at ITEIS don't just bitch about the news. This dickweed was in front of me on the way to work today...

Shouldn't you be out oppressing a people or something? Oh, and way to support Livestrong with the bracelet - maybe they'll save one of your balls after you get cancer, you cigar-sucking choad.

I love funny t-shirts.  They’re really swell.  Whether they’re witty, ironic, or wacky, I love any shirt that can give me a chuckle.  Sasquatch wears one that says “I listen to bands that don’t even exist yet” - great stuff.

But every once in a while, I see some aged, white tourist pud wearing an “Old Guys Rule” t-shirt.  WTF?  I know it’s supposed to be ironic, but guess what, IT FUCKING ISN’T.  Old guys DO rule, and they always have.  Ever since this miserable species sprouted legs, old guys have ruled with an iron fist, taking all the treasure and women that they could drag into their caves.  Look at baboons and gorillas - even in the pre-evolved form of human societies the old guys rule.  The dictators, prime ministers, presidents, sheiks, popes, inquisitors, ayatollahs, CEOs, bankers, and field overseers of the world have always been old guys, and they always will be.

So there’s nothing ironic about wearing a shirt around reminding the young and penis-challenged that YOU are the boss and they should bring you a sandwich or a few bushels of tobacco just for the privilege of being in your presence.

Tell you what, I’m going to start a new line of t-shirts that say “Old White Guys Rule.”  We’ll see how ironic everyone thinks that is.

Now.... sit on my face

Here’s a little background, if you care. A dental dam is a rectangular piece of latex, typically used in dentistry, and occasionally by complete sociopaths. In the former, it’s a hygenic way of preventing bacterial infection during oral surgery. In the latter, it’s a creepy way of scaring the living shit out of the poor girl spread eagled in the back of your Pontiac Trans Am.

Here’s a few facts:

• Pulling out one of these fuckers on a girl will be one of the most horrifying experiences in her entire life
• Dental dams are proven to reduce the chance of contracting STDs because you’ll never get laid again.
• This will not make your rimming session any better; it’s still an asshole, and so are you.

If for some bizarre reason you don’t have one of these things laying around, you can MacGyver one out of a condom in just under a minute, providing you keep condoms and scissors laying next to each other. No scissors? Any blade will do. Good luck keeping the girl around long enough to use it after you fashion one of these things out of a 3 foot machete, you fucking prick.

• This is America, and we speak American
• DarkCopy.com is for anyone who enjoys the simplicity of a typewriter
• It is for that reason that he deserves to be stoned to death
• I’m too stupid to upload my own Twitter avatar
• Stupid, but awesome
• I steal skateboards from little girls.  At gunpoint.
• 86 year-old androgyn steals wrinkle cream
• No, the bird is not going to be your witness, sir.