I think everything is stupid

Another brilliant example of American ingenuity: the bumper sticker. According to Wikipedia, moronic Americans have been sticking these self-serving billboards of ridicule and idiotic idealisms since just before World War II.

Since the Sheep of this great country put bumper stickers in order to make a “statement” about their personal beliefs or lives, I’ll go ahead and give them some helpful feedback… I’d love to respond to all the bumper stickers I’ve ever seen, but due to time-constraints, I’ll just pull a small sample:

• Nobody fucking cares where your kid is an honor student at. According to the most recent US Census data, “27 percent of adults age 25 and over had a college degree” - an all-time high. You must be so fucking proud…
• The C-O-E-X-I-S-T message you’re exuding seems to have done its job here. Why don’t you take that somewhere like Iran or North Korea and see how effective it is there?
• “What would Scooby-Do?” He’d strangle you with a fucking ascot.
• If “mean people suck”, then… eh, Fuck You…
• “Your village called, they’re missing their idiot” - Your dad called, he’s looking for that teaspoon of sperm he wasted.
• “I got kicked out of Cub Scouts for eating a Brownie” - Except that you failed to mention that you’re 35, you fucking pedophile.
• “Jesus loves you - Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole” - You might want to take a look in the mirror, asshole.
• The “Hang Up and Drive”-type stickers are definitely the best. I see, as if talking on the cell phone isn’t bad enough, you want all drivers - on the phone and off - to take the time to read tiny print off the back of your fucking car from 6 feet away. Thanks for improving the safety of our roads, jackass.

(Anyone with a bumper sticker that requires personal correspondence, please contact us here at ITEIS.)

While I’m on the topic, mangling your car at all is just plain-fucking stupid. Putting the M3 logo on your Mercedes Kompressor, mutilating the Toyota logo to say “Toy”, painting your car all black using wall paint, etc. Congratulations for your stupidity, especially you drivers of brand-new cars. Nothing feels better than buying $20,000 vehicle - that you’ll be paying off until it’s worth $2,000 - and helping along the depreciation by placing an irremovable $4 sticker on it.

Sunday…

The day when thousands of Americans show how low-rent they can be by organizing a garage sale. From 10-year old shit-stained used baby clothes to pee-wee-sized slightly-used jerk-socks, you can find anything you’re looking for. (eBayers are not exempt. Just because you broadcast your trashiness online instead of on the neighboring light post doesn’t exempt you from being a colossal douche.)

What could possibly be better than throwing away 12 hours of your weekend selling your old C+C Music Factory cassettes, pornos on Betamax and the chair your grandpa died in for $16 dollars? How about masturbating with your right hand while sticking your left in a running garbage disposal? Tough choice, isn’t it?

Would you offer to put in a few extra hours of work to pawn off your boss’ crap if he offered you $4/hr? Apparently, there’s some additional value in working towards a personal enterprising venture.

Not to mention the fact that you’re buying somebody’s used items. The clothes that some nasty fucker, who you’ve never met, seen, smelled or tested for Swine Flu, once wore. A May 1975 Playboy that possibly both your father and grandfather jerked it to. Hell, maybe you can even get lucky and find a used toothbrush that has only been “used for about one year”.

Be forewarned that if you live on my street, don’t ever bring down my property value by putting your trash out on the lawn. I promise that if you do I’ll put a much more valuable piece of property on your Sales Table, as I’m running you over with my car.

There’s nothing like being out at a bar, having a good time with your friends, and banging out a quick email to your boss. To me, it’s about as satisfying as handjob porn. I can’t stand all these ridiculous idiots that seem to be everywhere constantly huddled over their Blackberries pecking away at their little fucking keyboards sending out garbage that obviously came from their phone.

If you can’t remember ever seeing this, well then, it might be you. Lets conduct a simple test to figure it out. I’ll paint a picture for you. See if this jogs the memory at all, pal.

You’re hammered. You have just ordered another beer/shot/smirnoff ice. Suddenly you realize you didn’t submit your daily status report. Panic sets in, but wait! You whip out your trusty Blackberry. The light of the spinning disco ball reflects off the the shiny metal backing and catches your eye as you spin the device into typing position. You hunch over. Mashing your sloppy fingers against the tactile keyboard, your rancid breath slightly fogs the screen. Just a few minutes later, a crisis has been averted. But wait, look, some work email to read. You feel a sense of duty, and importance. Three hours later, you’re leaving the bar, drunk and alone. Another night of not getting laid! Nice work champ.

Ring any bells? If so, you’re the fucking douche I’m ranting about.

My other personal favorite brand of these emails are the one liners sent out as a reply-all that clearly came from the Blackberry. You know the kind - when someone thinks they’re staying something really motivating or helpful, such as “nice work” - and it’s 100% obvious the email was sent out in less than 14 seconds, and the user on the other end is probably dying to get back to twittering in the bathtub. Thanks a lot, you useless fucking dick bag. I’m glad I put in weeks or MONTHS worth of work into Project X and you were kind enough to bless me with a < 4 word response that I could have typed with my fucking toes. Jackass.

It was slightly better when all you could do was text your ex that you wanted to "h00k up i mis u so much blaaahhhh..." Back in the days of the iTap and T9 or whatever the fuck it was when you had to spent 10 minutes composing a simple text message getting your email sent to your phone was as absurd as having a live lobster give you a Prince Albert. If you don’t know what that is, check it out. I’ll wait here.

I’m not even sure why anyone would get on this shit in the first place. I have outright refused to carry one my entire life, and it hasn’t negatively affected me once, ever. Unless you’re in a real situation where up to the minute email matters, here’s my advice: turn it down. Embrace your social life. Because you’re a fucking dick otherwise.

Just when you thought the douchebaggery at TechCrunch couldn’t get any worse, they post something that pushes the idiocy envelope.  Their latest post on The Time Has Come To Regulate Search Engine Marketing And SEO makes all kinds of no sense.  The primary assertion is:

(Search engines) that use rule-based algorithms to determine result sets must publicly disclose their methodologies. That is the means by which all businesses can compete freely in the organic and paid search marketplaces.

First, anyone without one’s head up one’s ass would realize that this would kill the search engine industry overnight.  If the algorithms were transparent, search engines would be owned (or pwned, if you prefer) by spammers and SEO shops before you can even say “Arrington is hiding behind a ghost writer.”  Suddenly the search results you see on Google, Yahoo and Bing would be given to you directly to whichever company spent the most time/money to get their link at the top, and odds are they wouldn’t be relevant - they’d be for viagra, mesothelioma, or naked pictures of Hayden Panettiere.  One out of those three I would actually like, and it’s not the naked pictures.

TC claims the article is written by a “well known executive at one of the largest sites on the Internet” who wants to be anonymous “because of the backlash he would receive from the SEO industry and possibly Google itself.”  Smart move from one of the flat-out dumbest authors I’ve seen on teh Intarwebs, at least since this guy who last week called Google a Ponzi scheme.  Why can’t Darwin do something to get rid of these guys?

As North Korea moves closer and closer to an epic fail at launching a nuclear weapon towards Hawaii (as opposed to just an epic fail of launching a toy rocket over Japan), Kim Jong-il is working harder and harder to prove that North Korea is looking forward to getting nuked. Honestly, I think that we should do him the favor of granting his request. I mean, seriously…who can blame him?

After Japan had the bomb dropped on them - not once, but twice - they proceeded towards an immediate turn-around. Without completely obliterating both Nagasaki and Hiroshima, I’m not entirely sure that Japan would have launched to the “Super Power” status it has today, thanks to the immense profits from a proliferation of sexy high-school girls in sailor outfits, tentacle/demon/alien rape, used-panties vending machines and various other gems of technology and innovation.

North Korea is most likely just bitter about their nefarious South Korean neighbors who, unlike their starving neighbors to the North, have the leisure income necessary to live the luxurious life of dying while playing World of Warcraft.

So I put forward the call to all Americans to ask President Obama and Congress to help the poor North Koreans and grant their request for a nuke up the ass and press the reset button on their society, so they too can help flood the World with scantily dressed imaginary teenagers and various other Japanese confections, instead of just worthless threats and insanity.

Let me say up front that I’m all for conversation of the environment in any way possible and recycle way more thoroughly than many people that I know. That said, can we please (as a people) just stop talking about the ominous Global Warming? I find it horrendous that the term Global Warming now refers exclusively to “man-made” Global Warming.

Humans in our incredible 10-15,000 years of civilization presume to completely understand the natural heating and cooling cycles of the Earth, pushing 5 billion years old. Will you people please just shut up?   Can we stop wasting millions of dollars studying what Global Warming “sounds like” and attack a real problem, like Swine Flu Bird Flu SARS AIDS or something? Attack the pollution problems with evidence that doesn’t include “heating the Earth” the natural cycles of which still are not completely clear.

Although I guess I should be happy that people even believe in that… People that believe in Global Warming, probably believe that Antarctica was once tropical, in evolution and several other topics of Scientific importance that many, many, MANY people refuse to believe despite evidence. Even asking a simple question on Google (see the second result) leads to a massive personal disappointment in the human race in general.

With today’s headline “Told You: Digg Applying the User Voting Model to Advertising,” TechCrunch upholds the highest editorial standards, including the standard allowing the Editor in Chief to flaunt his amazing foresight and belittle his doubting-Thomas readers.  Way to keep it professional, Mike.

Even though Wikipedia is filled with the biggest group of attention-starved losers on the planet (outside of possibly Facebook and Twitter), the Administrators earn a point for putting Scientology in its rightful place.

How about next we lock out edits to the Tom Cruise page to everyone except Nicole Kidman and any IP from Germany?

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/05/29/wikipedia_bans_scientology/

If I have to see one more Facebook Quiz about “What type of salad dressing would you be?” or “Which feminine hygeine product would you be?” I am going to order 100 pizzas for delivery to Mark Zuckerberg.