I think everything is stupid

There is no way I can wait 10 minutes to send this out

There’s nothing like being out at a bar, having a good time with your friends, and banging out a quick email to your boss. To me, it’s about as satisfying as handjob porn. I can’t stand all these ridiculous idiots that seem to be everywhere constantly huddled over their Blackberries pecking away at their little fucking keyboards sending out garbage that obviously came from their phone.

If you can’t remember ever seeing this, well then, it might be you. Lets conduct a simple test to figure it out. I’ll paint a picture for you. See if this jogs the memory at all, pal.

You’re hammered. You have just ordered another beer/shot/smirnoff ice. Suddenly you realize you didn’t submit your daily status report. Panic sets in, but wait! You whip out your trusty Blackberry. The light of the spinning disco ball reflects off the the shiny metal backing and catches your eye as you spin the device into typing position. You hunch over. Mashing your sloppy fingers against the tactile keyboard, your rancid breath slightly fogs the screen. Just a few minutes later, a crisis has been averted. But wait, look, some work email to read. You feel a sense of duty, and importance. Three hours later, you’re leaving the bar, drunk and alone. Another night of not getting laid! Nice work champ.

Ring any bells? If so, you’re the fucking douche I’m ranting about.

My other personal favorite brand of these emails are the one liners sent out as a reply-all that clearly came from the Blackberry. You know the kind - when someone thinks they’re staying something really motivating or helpful, such as “nice work” - and it’s 100% obvious the email was sent out in less than 14 seconds, and the user on the other end is probably dying to get back to twittering in the bathtub. Thanks a lot, you useless fucking dick bag. I’m glad I put in weeks or MONTHS worth of work into Project X and you were kind enough to bless me with a < 4 word response that I could have typed with my fucking toes. Jackass.

It was slightly better when all you could do was text your ex that you wanted to "h00k up i mis u so much blaaahhhh..." Back in the days of the iTap and T9 or whatever the fuck it was when you had to spent 10 minutes composing a simple text message getting your email sent to your phone was as absurd as having a live lobster give you a Prince Albert. If you don’t know what that is, check it out. I’ll wait here.

I’m not even sure why anyone would get on this shit in the first place. I have outright refused to carry one my entire life, and it hasn’t negatively affected me once, ever. Unless you’re in a real situation where up to the minute email matters, here’s my advice: turn it down. Embrace your social life. Because you’re a fucking dick otherwise.

I know you're getting chubby just looking at it. I know she is.

Okay, let’s not bullshit one another here. You’re on the Internet, you’ve probably seen some porn on here. If you’re denying it, don’t worry - we’ll wait until your mom leaves your bedroom and we can go back to talking.Okay. There’s a lot of porn of the Internet and that’s a given. Straight porn, gay porn, bi porn, animal porn, amputee porn, interracial porn, porn porn porn porn. A lot of times, people start looking at the weird subclasses of porn just to see something unique. It’s that oversaturation of normal porn that pushes people to finding new kicks out there on the Internet Superhighway 66. But nothing, nothing in the world really justifies watching handjob porn. Nope. Nothing.

The whole concept of handjob porn is unbelieveable. Quick raise of hands, preferably the one you have not been holding your junk with - in a real life scenario, would you rather have A. a blowjob or B. a hand job? There you go! Handjobs are the Miss Congeneality of sexual acts - the Certificate of Merit you get just for showing up and entering the contest. If a woman is offering you a handjob at the end of the night, it’s usually because she’s not in the mood but would at least like to acknowledge you did pay for a fairly nice meal. A handjob is a lovely parting gift you take home after losing on a gameshow. It’s Turtle Wax for your pud.
So why would anyone want to watch someone getting the sexual consolation prize on the Internet? What’s the point? Wait, you want to see a penis getting jerked off? Here’s a flash for you, turbo! Look down! What’s that? Hey, son of a gun! And it’s yours! Isn’t that something?

At least would you do THIS?

Don’t even give the shoddy excuse that you can imagine it’s the woman’s hand cupping the bishop while you’re doing that, because that’s even more embarsassing an explanation - what kind of lousy imagination would you have if that’s the best thing you can come up with during masturbation… and yet you still need a visual aid to get the job done? Jesus, did Mommy smoke while she was pregnant with you?