I think everything is stupid

I know you're getting chubby just looking at it. I know she is.

Okay, let’s not bullshit one another here. You’re on the Internet, you’ve probably seen some porn on here. If you’re denying it, don’t worry - we’ll wait until your mom leaves your bedroom and we can go back to talking.Okay. There’s a lot of porn of the Internet and that’s a given. Straight porn, gay porn, bi porn, animal porn, amputee porn, interracial porn, porn porn porn porn. A lot of times, people start looking at the weird subclasses of porn just to see something unique. It’s that oversaturation of normal porn that pushes people to finding new kicks out there on the Internet Superhighway 66. But nothing, nothing in the world really justifies watching handjob porn. Nope. Nothing.

The whole concept of handjob porn is unbelieveable. Quick raise of hands, preferably the one you have not been holding your junk with - in a real life scenario, would you rather have A. a blowjob or B. a hand job? There you go! Handjobs are the Miss Congeneality of sexual acts - the Certificate of Merit you get just for showing up and entering the contest. If a woman is offering you a handjob at the end of the night, it’s usually because she’s not in the mood but would at least like to acknowledge you did pay for a fairly nice meal. A handjob is a lovely parting gift you take home after losing on a gameshow. It’s Turtle Wax for your pud.
So why would anyone want to watch someone getting the sexual consolation prize on the Internet? What’s the point? Wait, you want to see a penis getting jerked off? Here’s a flash for you, turbo! Look down! What’s that? Hey, son of a gun! And it’s yours! Isn’t that something?

At least would you do THIS?

Don’t even give the shoddy excuse that you can imagine it’s the woman’s hand cupping the bishop while you’re doing that, because that’s even more embarsassing an explanation - what kind of lousy imagination would you have if that’s the best thing you can come up with during masturbation… and yet you still need a visual aid to get the job done? Jesus, did Mommy smoke while she was pregnant with you?

It will be extremely disappointing if David Carradine is found to have checked out of this mortal coil doing something as flagrantly stupid as this. I don’t care what a person does behind closed door to get their jollies - stick your prig in cake batter, for all I care. But there’s no good reason to consider the idea of cutting off the air to your wind pipe while you’re tossing one off to the hotel stroke movie you rented. I don’t care if you start shooting out daisies and fireworks out of your penis while you do this, it’s JUST NOT A GOOD IDEA!

And the alone part - what the hell? It’s like those idiots who decide to go rock-climbing in the National parks alone - you’re basically making the decision - “You know, I want to be found dead today. No really, I do.  But I want to be found in the most embarassing way possible - for myself, for my friends and family, oh and especially my children. I want the whole world to think I’m an idiot, and have a mental image of my dead body naked over a stroke mag while I got a curtain rope around my neck. THAT’s what I want to be remembered for.”

Why can’t celebrities just go fuck a hooker? I’ll even settle for a pre-op transexual hooker. Oh you all may have laughed when Eddie Murphy was caught giving a pre-op transexual hooker a ride home, but at least he wasn’t found by the housekeeping staff with his dick in his hand and his throat tied with a bowline knot. Kept him juuuuust fine for doing shitty Disney movies for kids. Because in the land of Disney, pre-op hookers is a-okay with Walt, but not choking your chicken while choking your chicken.

I am not keen to the idea of Big Dave Carradine checking out due to depression and suicidal thoughts, but is that truly worse than deciding to get his jollies off in an international hotel with a rope around his neck? JESUS, Dave! Buy an INXS album! THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING!