I think everything is stupid

Another brilliant example of American ingenuity: the bumper sticker. According to Wikipedia, moronic Americans have been sticking these self-serving billboards of ridicule and idiotic idealisms since just before World War II.

Since the Sheep of this great country put bumper stickers in order to make a “statement” about their personal beliefs or lives, I’ll go ahead and give them some helpful feedback… I’d love to respond to all the bumper stickers I’ve ever seen, but due to time-constraints, I’ll just pull a small sample:

• Nobody fucking cares where your kid is an honor student at. According to the most recent US Census data, “27 percent of adults age 25 and over had a college degree” - an all-time high. You must be so fucking proud…
• The C-O-E-X-I-S-T message you’re exuding seems to have done its job here. Why don’t you take that somewhere like Iran or North Korea and see how effective it is there?
• “What would Scooby-Do?” He’d strangle you with a fucking ascot.
• If “mean people suck”, then… eh, Fuck You…
• “Your village called, they’re missing their idiot” - Your dad called, he’s looking for that teaspoon of sperm he wasted.
• “I got kicked out of Cub Scouts for eating a Brownie” - Except that you failed to mention that you’re 35, you fucking pedophile.
• “Jesus loves you - Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole” - You might want to take a look in the mirror, asshole.
• The “Hang Up and Drive”-type stickers are definitely the best. I see, as if talking on the cell phone isn’t bad enough, you want all drivers - on the phone and off - to take the time to read tiny print off the back of your fucking car from 6 feet away. Thanks for improving the safety of our roads, jackass.

(Anyone with a bumper sticker that requires personal correspondence, please contact us here at ITEIS.)

While I’m on the topic, mangling your car at all is just plain-fucking stupid. Putting the M3 logo on your Mercedes Kompressor, mutilating the Toyota logo to say “Toy”, painting your car all black using wall paint, etc. Congratulations for your stupidity, especially you drivers of brand-new cars. Nothing feels better than buying $20,000 vehicle - that you’ll be paying off until it’s worth $2,000 - and helping along the depreciation by placing an irremovable $4 sticker on it.

Here’s a little background, if you care. A dental dam is a rectangular piece of latex, typically used in dentistry, and occasionally by complete sociopaths. In the former, it’s a hygenic way of preventing bacterial infection during oral surgery. In the latter, it’s a creepy way of scaring the living shit out of the poor girl spread eagled in the back of your Pontiac Trans Am.

Here’s a few facts:

• Pulling out one of these fuckers on a girl will be one of the most horrifying experiences in her entire life
• Dental dams are proven to reduce the chance of contracting STDs because you’ll never get laid again.
• This will not make your rimming session any better; it’s still an asshole, and so are you.

If for some bizarre reason you don’t have one of these things laying around, you can MacGyver one out of a condom in just under a minute, providing you keep condoms and scissors laying next to each other. No scissors? Any blade will do. Good luck keeping the girl around long enough to use it after you fashion one of these things out of a 3 foot machete, you fucking prick.

I have to be totally honest, this title might be slightly inaccurate. I didn’t realize it at first, but there’s a booming market for Indian farmhand voyeur porn. When life gives you lemons, film your daughter plowing a field with her funbags out.

PATNA, India (Reuters) - Farmers in an eastern Indian state have asked their unmarried daughters to plow parched fields naked in a bid to embarrass the weather gods to bring some badly needed monsoon rain, officials said on Thursday.

Witnesses said the naked girls in Bihar state plowed the fields and chanted ancient hymns after sunset to invoke the gods. They said elderly village women helped the girls drag the plows.

“They (villagers) believe their acts would get the weather gods badly embarrassed, who in turn would ensure bumper crops by sending rains,” Upendra Kumar, a village council official, said from Bihar’s remote Banke Bazaar town.

“This is the most trusted social custom in the area and the villagers have vowed to continue this practice until it rains very heavily.”

India this year suffered its worst start to the vital monsoon rains in eight decades, causing drought in some states.

Original Reuters article.

Sunday…

The day when thousands of Americans show how low-rent they can be by organizing a garage sale. From 10-year old shit-stained used baby clothes to pee-wee-sized slightly-used jerk-socks, you can find anything you’re looking for. (eBayers are not exempt. Just because you broadcast your trashiness online instead of on the neighboring light post doesn’t exempt you from being a colossal douche.)

What could possibly be better than throwing away 12 hours of your weekend selling your old C+C Music Factory cassettes, pornos on Betamax and the chair your grandpa died in for $16 dollars? How about masturbating with your right hand while sticking your left in a running garbage disposal? Tough choice, isn’t it?

Would you offer to put in a few extra hours of work to pawn off your boss’ crap if he offered you $4/hr? Apparently, there’s some additional value in working towards a personal enterprising venture.

Not to mention the fact that you’re buying somebody’s used items. The clothes that some nasty fucker, who you’ve never met, seen, smelled or tested for Swine Flu, once wore. A May 1975 Playboy that possibly both your father and grandfather jerked it to. Hell, maybe you can even get lucky and find a used toothbrush that has only been “used for about one year”.

Be forewarned that if you live on my street, don’t ever bring down my property value by putting your trash out on the lawn. I promise that if you do I’ll put a much more valuable piece of property on your Sales Table, as I’m running you over with my car.

Okay, let’s not bullshit one another here. You’re on the Internet, you’ve probably seen some porn on here. If you’re denying it, don’t worry - we’ll wait until your mom leaves your bedroom and we can go back to talking.Okay. There’s a lot of porn of the Internet and that’s a given. Straight porn, gay porn, bi porn, animal porn, amputee porn, interracial porn, porn porn porn porn. A lot of times, people start looking at the weird subclasses of porn just to see something unique. It’s that oversaturation of normal porn that pushes people to finding new kicks out there on the Internet Superhighway 66. But nothing, nothing in the world really justifies watching handjob porn. Nope. Nothing.

The whole concept of handjob porn is unbelieveable. Quick raise of hands, preferably the one you have not been holding your junk with - in a real life scenario, would you rather have A. a blowjob or B. a hand job? There you go! Handjobs are the Miss Congeneality of sexual acts - the Certificate of Merit you get just for showing up and entering the contest. If a woman is offering you a handjob at the end of the night, it’s usually because she’s not in the mood but would at least like to acknowledge you did pay for a fairly nice meal. A handjob is a lovely parting gift you take home after losing on a gameshow. It’s Turtle Wax for your pud.
So why would anyone want to watch someone getting the sexual consolation prize on the Internet? What’s the point? Wait, you want to see a penis getting jerked off? Here’s a flash for you, turbo! Look down! What’s that? Hey, son of a gun! And it’s yours! Isn’t that something?

This was news a few weeks ago, but if you’re using this site to keep up on current events you deserve a post here, because you’re fucking stupid.

Anyway, here’s a little summary from the article. I’d like to point out that I was torn between focusing on twittering and the actual girl, Maria Barbu. Since I’m a philanthropist, I chose twittering. Maybe we’ll save some lives when people google “is twittering in the tub stupid?” Part of me thinks maybe I should just allow Darwinism to take it’s course instead…

A teenage girl was electrocuted after dropping her laptop into the bath as she twittered in the tub.

Police said they believed Maria Barbu, 17, had tried to plug in her laptop with wet hands after the battery died during a long session on social networking site Twitter as she took a soak at her home in Brasov, central Romania.

She was found dead by her parents with the laptop lying next to her.

Original article here.

As North Korea moves closer and closer to an epic fail at launching a nuclear weapon towards Hawaii (as opposed to just an epic fail of launching a toy rocket over Japan), Kim Jong-il is working harder and harder to prove that North Korea is looking forward to getting nuked. Honestly, I think that we should do him the favor of granting his request. I mean, seriously…who can blame him?

After Japan had the bomb dropped on them - not once, but twice - they proceeded towards an immediate turn-around. Without completely obliterating both Nagasaki and Hiroshima, I’m not entirely sure that Japan would have launched to the “Super Power” status it has today, thanks to the immense profits from a proliferation of sexy high-school girls in sailor outfits, tentacle/demon/alien rape, used-panties vending machines and various other gems of technology and innovation.

North Korea is most likely just bitter about their nefarious South Korean neighbors who, unlike their starving neighbors to the North, have the leisure income necessary to live the luxurious life of dying while playing World of Warcraft.

So I put forward the call to all Americans to ask President Obama and Congress to help the poor North Koreans and grant their request for a nuke up the ass and press the reset button on their society, so they too can help flood the World with scantily dressed imaginary teenagers and various other Japanese confections, instead of just worthless threats and insanity.

Parents of children at a primary school have been banned from taking pictures of their own children at the annual sports day.

So apparently these British fucks think kids are in complete peril 24/7, and taking picture of them at any point in time is a sign they’re going to be violently molested and murdered. People. GET IT TOGETHER! No one wants your crappy kids. Go brush your teeth.

Original article

Here’s a game for everyone. It’s called, “Whom Do I Slap?” Give ten people a choice between Coke or Pepsi. You don’t even have to have the actual soft drinks, just give them this choice. And of these ten people, a reasonable margin will select Pepsi. Another margin will select Coke. And then they’re will be one or two people who will select Dr. Pepper. And those are the people you need to slap. And slap them hard, for about an hour or so. Even after your hand starts getting tired and sore, keep going. Because these people need you to straight them out, and have asked you to do so by deliberating being stupid in your presence.

It goes against the basic fundamental concept of the term “choice”, which is “Of these options given to you, select one.”  Either/or. It’s fiendishly simple. Choose, numbskull. People don’t do this with directions. When they’re coming to a fork in the road that give them an option of left or right, do these fucknuts really try to  go straight? Why aren’t there more auto fatalities for these people? Or at least make it a DMV question. “Which way do you go? Left or Right?” And if they select Straight, they get no driver’s license and everyone in the DMV gets five minutes at slapping them repeatedly. Wouldn’t that make going to the DMV far more satisfying?

It’s insulting to expect a third choice of your host in selecting something that is not being offered. “Would you like to have beer or wine?” “I’ll drink whiskey.” “Fine go get yourself, you cocksucker.” Slap. If you don’t LIKE your choices, then select NEITHER. Nil is *always* a choice, but EVERYTHING isn’t. Doesn’t work like that. Instead, we think we’re being cute by going outside of the rules. And for that….slap.

I think it might be an American thing, expecting to have more choices than are offered to you. This may be why the rest of world thinks we need a slap. Good thing we have nuclear weapons. But it doesn’t mean we don’t deserve it. Repeatedly. We don’t get to have everything. Not everything is on the menu. You are not being clever by offering something that is not a choice, you are requesting to be the recipient of the Slap Game.

Then again, if that’s what you want, be my guest. That’s always your choice.

Let’s first point out that, while alcohol is often complicit in the creation of new life, it has never been accused it of making people live longer. Alcohol is a toxin, a really fun toxin, but still the kind of toxin that’s bad for you. It forces flimsy decisions, destroys your liver, eats away your brain and kills kids with cars. Yet, despite all this, people across cultures offer up sloppy cheers to, “Good health” with glasses, bottles, plastic cups and steins full of the shit (god steins are cool. I’d go buy one right now if I was sober enough). This seems as irrational as cheersing to peace with a bunch of sticks of C4. Now, I am not an advocate of the dry lifestyle, I’m just saying let’s not ask too much of the booze. We can ask it for courage, entertainment, temporary attractiveness, rides down hills in shopping carts, and bonding with every glass clink, but physical preservation is outside its realm of expertise. Cheersing to health is asinine, instead cheers to “Increased odds of sex” or “Honesty” or  “Reconnecting with your father in his new trailer after years of not seeing each other because of the bad divorce.” That’s all I’m asking.