I think everything is stupid

Let’s first point out that, while alcohol is often complicit in the creation of new life, it has never been accused it of making people live longer. Alcohol is a toxin, a really fun toxin, but still the kind of toxin that’s bad for you. It forces flimsy decisions, destroys your liver, eats away your brain and kills kids with cars. Yet, despite all this, people across cultures offer up sloppy cheers to, “Good health” with glasses, bottles, plastic cups and steins full of the shit (god steins are cool. I’d go buy one right now if I was sober enough). This seems as irrational as cheersing to peace with a bunch of sticks of C4. Now, I am not an advocate of the dry lifestyle, I’m just saying let’s not ask too much of the booze. We can ask it for courage, entertainment, temporary attractiveness, rides down hills in shopping carts, and bonding with every glass clink, but physical preservation is outside its realm of expertise. Cheersing to health is asinine, instead cheers to “Increased odds of sex” or “Honesty” or  “Reconnecting with your father in his new trailer after years of not seeing each other because of the bad divorce.” That’s all I’m asking.

Cheers to being fat, guys!